Got Quads?

All day yesterday I felt a little “off.” I found myself dreading today, April Fool’s Day. Why? Well, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Sure, I can still vividly remember when I was in elementary school and my parents set the clocks an hour ahead to make me think I was late for school. I freaked because that was back when I was young enough to think being late for school would follow me on some “permanent record” for my entire life. And I hate it when I listen to the radio on April Fool’s Day and get some juicy piece of celebrity gossip from the DJ, only to realize it’s a prank. So I put my strange feelings aside and didn’t give it any more thought. Then when I flipped the calendar over to April before bed last night it hit me like a ton of bricks: it’s not April Fool’s Day that had me in a funk, it’s April 1.

Seven years ago today my mom died. How could I forget that date? Well, clearly I haven’t forgotten it, but I try not to give it too much thought. I don’t want to spend each year marking the date, but some how it always creeps up on me. 

Her death was not unexpected. She fought a long, courageous, devastating battle with cancer. As much as it pains me to say it: death, at that point, was a blessing. As children, we expect to outlive our parents. While no parent should have to bury a child, no child should have to watch their parent become a shell of the person they used to be. 

Every now and then it hits me: my mom’s not here. The holidays are a lot easier now that I have my daughters around. With four little ones blissfully scurrying to the Christmas tree there’s little time for melancholy. But it’s the little reminders that she’s not here that can make things hard.

Struggling to conceive and not having my mom to turn to made the journey that much harder. Finding out I was having four babies and not having my mom to cry to was devastating. Bringing home four babies and wondering if I could do it… yeah, I needed my mom. Some days I still do: what should I do when the girls are really sick and won’t eat? What did you give me when I was sick? What’s the recipe for your salmon loaf because the one in the cookbook doesn’t taste quite the same? Why can’t I make those corn flake Christmas wreaths without them all sticking together?

My daughters have been blessed to still have two living grandmas. Within days of getting married my dad and stepmom found out they would be grandparents to four babies all at once. My stepmom took it all in stride and never looked back. She’s been a wonderful grandma to my daughters and a great friend to me.

My daughters are still too young to understand that grandma isn’t mommy’s mommy. I keep certain traditions alive that my mom would appreciate and some day my daughters will get to know my mom through pictures and stories. Still, I miss her. While I try to forget what April 1 means, I try to keep her spirit alive.

When I sat down to write today’s blog, I really didn’t want to write about this, but it’s the only thing on my mind right now. There are people out there who lost their mothers or fathers or both at younger ages than I did. I was lucky to have my mom around for milestones that my sister never will. I just hope that even in those moments we’ll remember that she is the reason we are the bright, strong, loving women that we are today.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS