Got Quads?

When I was growing up it was common to greet new neighbors as they moved in. You at least went over and said hi, introduced yourself, maybe brought some cookies. I knew all my neighbors by name and they knew me. Even the older neighbors who didn’t get out much would wave as I walked to school. What happened to our neighborhoods?

When Hubby and I bought our first house we lived in a realtively new (and still underconstruction) subdivision. When the house next to us was finished and the neighbors moved in, we went over to introduce ourselves. The parents weren’t home, so we asked the kids to tell them we stopped by. I think we finally met them four months later. I chalked it up to living in a neighborhood where everyone had about an acre of land. When you went outside you didn’t feel like you were in your neighbor’s yard. We were all somewhat isolated and everyone kept to themselves.

Now we live in a neighborhood where you can practically spread your arms out and touch your house and the neighbors. I see my neighbors on a daily basis and I swear they’re avoiding me. No one made an effort to welcome us to the neighborhood when we moved in… not even the board members of our homeowners association, which surprised me. The neighbors on one side of us won’t even look at us when we’re outside. I, of course, say hi and force them to acknowledge me. Strangely enough, they have no problem letting their 7-year-old daughter come play on our swingset when we’re in the back yard. When I take my daughters out for walks people only say hi when we say it first. It is a strange feeling. For all I know there are some really friendly people in this neighborhood… I just haven’t found them, yet.

I never thought I would be one of those moms who drifts away from her “non-mom” friends. Yet when I look at who I really keep in touch with now, yep, most of them are moms. Do all parents have this problem?

When my daughters were first born I made an effort to really keep in touch with people. I’m talking personal emails, phone calls, etc. But then reality took hold and it became harder and harder for me to keep in touch with everyone. Some people (usually parents themselves) gave me the benefit of the doubt. They know what it’s like to feel pulled in a million different directions every day. Other friends (typically the single ones or the ones without kids) gave up on me. I get it… to some degree. They didn’t understand why my replies weren’t prompt. Why my emails were usually updates on my daughters rather than me. 

That’s not to say that I don’t still have friends who are either single or don’t have children. But the list is a lot smaller now. Hopefully now that my daughters are a little older I can start getting back in touch with the friends who have drifted away.

All day yesterday I felt a little “off.” I found myself dreading today, April Fool’s Day. Why? Well, I couldn’t put my finger on it. Sure, I can still vividly remember when I was in elementary school and my parents set the clocks an hour ahead to make me think I was late for school. I freaked because that was back when I was young enough to think being late for school would follow me on some “permanent record” for my entire life. And I hate it when I listen to the radio on April Fool’s Day and get some juicy piece of celebrity gossip from the DJ, only to realize it’s a prank. So I put my strange feelings aside and didn’t give it any more thought. Then when I flipped the calendar over to April before bed last night it hit me like a ton of bricks: it’s not April Fool’s Day that had me in a funk, it’s April 1.

Seven years ago today my mom died. How could I forget that date? Well, clearly I haven’t forgotten it, but I try not to give it too much thought. I don’t want to spend each year marking the date, but some how it always creeps up on me. 

Her death was not unexpected. She fought a long, courageous, devastating battle with cancer. As much as it pains me to say it: death, at that point, was a blessing. As children, we expect to outlive our parents. While no parent should have to bury a child, no child should have to watch their parent become a shell of the person they used to be. 

Every now and then it hits me: my mom’s not here. The holidays are a lot easier now that I have my daughters around. With four little ones blissfully scurrying to the Christmas tree there’s little time for melancholy. But it’s the little reminders that she’s not here that can make things hard.

Struggling to conceive and not having my mom to turn to made the journey that much harder. Finding out I was having four babies and not having my mom to cry to was devastating. Bringing home four babies and wondering if I could do it… yeah, I needed my mom. Some days I still do: what should I do when the girls are really sick and won’t eat? What did you give me when I was sick? What’s the recipe for your salmon loaf because the one in the cookbook doesn’t taste quite the same? Why can’t I make those corn flake Christmas wreaths without them all sticking together?

My daughters have been blessed to still have two living grandmas. Within days of getting married my dad and stepmom found out they would be grandparents to four babies all at once. My stepmom took it all in stride and never looked back. She’s been a wonderful grandma to my daughters and a great friend to me.

My daughters are still too young to understand that grandma isn’t mommy’s mommy. I keep certain traditions alive that my mom would appreciate and some day my daughters will get to know my mom through pictures and stories. Still, I miss her. While I try to forget what April 1 means, I try to keep her spirit alive.

When I sat down to write today’s blog, I really didn’t want to write about this, but it’s the only thing on my mind right now. There are people out there who lost their mothers or fathers or both at younger ages than I did. I was lucky to have my mom around for milestones that my sister never will. I just hope that even in those moments we’ll remember that she is the reason we are the bright, strong, loving women that we are today.

I have never looked forward to a Saturday night more than tonight. The foursome is going to grandma and grandpa’s for a sleepover! Yes, for the first time since our daughters were born Hubby and I are having an entire night sans quads. WHOA!

What are we looking forward to the most? Here are some hints: it starts with the letter “s” and we just can’t get enough of it. That’s right: we’re going to sleep in!!! Sure, dinner and a movie will be nice, but it’s the sleeping past 7 a.m. that has really got me excited!

In all honesty, though, I think it’s going to be a little tough on Quadmama. This is the first time I will have been away from them overnight. I know, cut the cord, right? But surely every parent who has been away from their child/children for the night remembers the first time as a bit traumatizing. I’m going to enjoy myself, but I know I’ll worry: are they sleeping? are they having bad dreams? do they have their blankies?

It will be nice to reconnect a bit with Hubby without four little ones needing our constant attention… and by the time Sunday morning rolls around we should be refreshed and ready to take on the foursome once again.

OK, I think I said yesterday that I was done being mushy, but it is Valentine’s Day.

When I talk with my “non-multiple” friends, I realize how lucky I am to have the husband I have. A former co-worker had a baby around the same time my daughters were born. When she returned from maternity leave she was constantly gushing about how her husband was a “Super Dad” because he changed a diaper here and there. After hearing that story my husband just laughed and asked what title he should have since he helped change 40 diapers a day.

He’s an equal partner in this. He knows that coming home from work doesn’t always mean relaxing. Most days it means coming home and helping with baths, getting everyone ready for bed and sometimes even cooking dinner. Long days often become longer with multiples.

There’s is no such thing as “woman’s work” in our house. We both have to cook, clean, scrub toilets and all the other “fun” stuff that comes with running a house and taking care of kids. Funny, though, it seems I never have to mow the yard!

So, here’s to you, Hubby. Have a great Valentine’s Day!